The Female Negotiator: Learning to Break the Rules
Posted By Christina Ithurburn, Oct 29, 2012
Following Rules
Last week my boyfriend and I decided to go golfing. Knowing that he did not own a set of clubs, I told him he would have to rent some. He did not want to pay the extra ten dollars to rent clubs, so he reasoned that we should just share mine. But this was a violation of course rules, and the idea of breaking the rules made me very uneasy. I assumed the rules were rigid; while my boyfriend assumed they were flexible. It turns out that this scenario is illustrative of a common difference between men and women— namely, that men are more likely to see rules as flexible and try to change the situation to fit their needs, while women are more likely to follow the rules, even if that means not asking for what they want.
Why Don’t Women Ask?
Many women operate under the false assumption that people are rewarded when they do not break the rules. In reality, by simply following the rules or accepting the status quo, women often miss out on opportunities to negotiate. Studies suggest that men initiate negotiations two to three times more often than women. Linda Babcock & Sarah Laschever, Women Don’t Ask: Negotiation and the Gender Divide 2-3 (Princeton University Press ed., 2003). For example, women are less likely than men to attempt to negotiate with a landlord to achieve a lower rent. Similarly, women are less likely than men to try to negotiate a higher starting salary upon accepting a job offer. This greater propensity of men to assume that they can negotiate to change their circumstances produces very unequal results—with men gaining more opportunities than women. History and custom largely account for this disparity in gender propensities. At a young age, girls are taught that external forces control their lives—for example, they must be asked on a date, not do the asking—while boys are taught that it is their job to take control. Historically, women were denied voting rights until 1920—a fact demonstrating that asking for what they wanted through the political process was not even an option. Today, it is important that women recognize that this is no longer the reality and that opportunities to negotiate are available to them.
Are female attorneys effective negotiators?
Yes. When women negotiate on behalf of clients, team members, or colleagues they are equally likely to be effective as their male counterparts. Catherine H. Tinsley, Sandra I. Cheldelin, Andrea Kupfer Schneider & Emily T. Amanatullah, Women at the Bargaining Table: Pitfalls and Prospects, 25 Negotiation Journal 233, 238 (2009) (discussing a study of lawyers rating other lawyers in their most recent negotiation). Women are more assertive when their assertiveness benefits others because women need not fear jeopardizing personal relationships by appearing “overly aggressive” or greedy in such scenarios.
What can be learned from this? If women are taught to negotiate for their own benefit the way they do for others, they can gain more of the opportunities currently captured by men. The lesson for women is simple: stop assuming that rules are inflexible and start asking for what you want!
For more information about why women hesitate to initiate negotiations, see Linda Babcock & Sara Laschever, Women Don’t Ask: Negotiation and The Gender Divide 1-40 (Princeton University Press ed., 2003).