Forgiveness May Be the “Nice” Option, but is it the Best One?

Posted By Naz Pournaghshband, Nov 7, 2012

What would you do if your client walked into your office one day and told you she needed to file for a divorce because she just found her husband cheating on her?  Would you just file all the appropriate documentation while ignoring her tears and anger?  Probably not.  Working as an attorney is no different from owning a restaurant, hotel, or golf resort: this is a service industry.  As such, the client’s needs drive every aspect of a lawyer’s work.  From the initial client meeting, to fact analysis, to legal research, and finally to arguing in court or drafting an agreement, every step is predicated on the client’s ultimate goals.  Although these goals are often framed in terms of finding a tangible solution to a legal problem, there is often an emotional component as well.  For some cases, you might aim to minimize any short- or long-term costs that could result from hostile relations between your client and the opposing party.  Although such emotional resolution may appear strategically sound, it may not always be in your client’s best interest or within your client’s capabilities.

Client “Self-Actualization”

The reason for this has to do with the fact that, psychologically, we have a hierarchy of needs. As Psychologist Abraham Maslow’s famous theory of “ the “hierarchy of needs” suggests, we have a set of basic needs such as physiological needs, safety needs and so on, with the peak of every person’s basic needs being  “self-actualization “If we reach this peak, then our desire for fulfillment is completely achieved—we are able to experience love, esteem of others, and self-respect.  As applied to client counseling, the importance of this theory lies in the idea that for an offended person to be able to truly forgive, he or she must first achieve self-actualization. In order to cope with an injury and forgive the source of that injury, the offended person must be at this highest level of being, with all of his or her more basic needs satisfied.

As an attorney, you may often fall into a trap by assuming that the best option for your client is to expect your client to forgive those who injured him or her.  However, you should tread lightly here, because pushing a client towards forgiveness before he or she is ready can be detrimental not only to potential dispute resolution but also to the attorney-client relationship. Before addressing any possibility of forgiveness when negotiating or resolving a dispute, you should first address the client’s basic needs (self-esteem, physical well-being, etc.).  Only once these needs are met should you consider the possibility of forgiveness. 

If forgiveness seems like a possibility, sit down with the client, reassess his or her goals, evaluate the outcomes that have been reached, and collaboratively discuss the possibility of forgiveness, if applicable.  Including the client in this manner strengthens the attorney-client relationship by strengthening the foundation of trust.  Doing so also will allow you to assess whether nudging the client to forgive is really the best option, whether he or she is truly ready to forgive, and whether forgiveness will achieve or hinder any outcome already achieved.

Final Thoughts

As zealous advocates, we are always looking out for our client’s best interests, and how to achieve those interests with minimum cost to the client.  Such cost, however, is not merely monetary in nature, but emotional as well.  We must keep in mind that our clients are humans. Their problems are typically not those solely legal in nature, requiring only legal solutions, but may also be emotional problems, resulting from the dispute, that also require careful attention.  Although forgiveness would appear to be ideal in any negotiation, as true advocates, we must always assess our client’s emotional state to see whether his or her basic emotional needs have been met.   If our client has not achieved that stability, forgiveness may be detrimental to all involved parties.  By treading lightly and working cooperatively with the client, you can help the client achieve his or her goals, while maintaining, or even strengthening, the client’s emotional well-being.

For more information about the psychology behind forgiveness in negotiations, see Ellen Waldman & Frederic Luskin, “Unforgiven: Anger and Forgiveness”, in Andrea K. Schneider & Christopher Honeyman, The Negotiator’s Fieldbook: The Desk Reference for the Experienced Negotiator 209 (2007).